“The past beats inside me like a second heart.”
I have lost all that I am. You have made me someone who can’t let herself loved, someone who can’t feel anything else then pain. You have taken everything from me..all my soul..all my power..my joy. I am like a walking dead with a large fake smile tatooed on his face. Why don’t you let go of my still beating heart? I want it back! I ‘ve already understood that that it is imposible for you to love me so why not end this here?
I thought that I can start it all over again, that I can simply move on. I have tried with all my might to unchain myself and I thought that I made it..I was so wrong..I am unable to love! I have became such a good lier..I am such a damn good actress that I could play next to the greatest actors. Proud of me? I hope so ’cause it is all your doing. I have just became YOU. I hurt others pretending to feel something that I don’t , I am heartless and I lack the power to admit that I am subdued to you.
I decided to stop running. I got really tired and I want to find a place to rest, a place where I will be loved and never spoiled. I never thought that it will take me so long to understand that you are not coming back anymore and I never thought that finding someone to take your place will happen in such an instant.
I don’t hate you and I don’t love you anymore. You are just somebodt who used to bring me happiness at some point, someone with whom I’ve made nice memoirs. I never intended to run after you my entire life but I just hoped that at some point we will be what we used to be. It is not possible.
Maybe I will call you these days, who knows. Maybe I will see you on the street and be able to say “hello” normaly. Sorry for being such a nuisance.
it is so easy to fall in love when you are running..when you want to forget. every single word from another person seems to make your heart flutter, every touch seems to mean something more, or at least that is what you wish. you just want to cure that crack in your heart that anything will do..
you develope a dependency on flirting and smiling and joking with every single one, and you make a drug out of being in the center of the Univers. you want all of them to fall for you and you..to be the one who break their hearts. and all that just because he broke yours.
each of your actions are for him to see, not for you heart to heal. because there is no way for you to want to forget..you are addicted to sadness.
I am already too tired.. I am tired dreaming and hoping for nothing. I have run and faught for too long a battle that was lost from the very begining, a battle that was not even meant for me. i got to the point where I have no mare strenght and i just want to move on..for real. I see people around me moving fast ahead while for me..the time stopped a long time ago. Being left alone in the past is becoming scary and pointless. You already don’t care, you never cared and never will. I am nothing for you so why would you ever try to take my hand and make me step out of my bubble?
I am tired and alone and I simply want to look away from you, to unchain myself of these memories because just now I realised that these moments won’t last forever unless we are both in the same boat. I can just hope that you will also move on from your own bubble because I know how it feels to be stuck in there. i will walk with my head up and I will smile because that’s what makes me strong. I will smile because what we had was never real and I don’t have a reaseon to cry over. And when I’ll be tired smiling I will finaly be able to rest.
“Maybe one day you’ll understand why
Everything you touch surely dies”
I am starting to forget..
I am starting to forget the things that I used to love the most about you, those things that made me lose my head and sell my heart just to have you, just to keep you close to me. I just can’t remember your voice, that sweet childish voice of yours that used to tell lies to me so beautiful, to take me to another land just by speaking in my ear. I fell so deeply for you just by listening the sound of your words, and now…it is starting to fade away..
I can’t remember your laughter..I know that my heart fluttered when I have first heard you laughing. It was like a broken heart that was struggling to heal..and I bet you still struggle. I loved hearing you laughing..like a deaf longing for music. That’s why I kept acting like a fool, like a child, just to make you laugh, just to hear you healing. Now I can only imagine it..because the truth is..that it’s been too long since I got high with just your breath in my ear and your smile in my mind..it’s been too long since your voice cured me of loneliness. You made me be strong and selfish with just a sound..
For a few weeks I wanted to write this post. I had it in my phone as draft but I never got to publish it..I wrote it in some night when I was going home, in the subway, listening rock music and with a big grin on my face.
Here it goes!
“Today I am happy. I just had an amazing night with some people that I missed so much! (I know you are reading this D.!) I felt tahat i was where I belong, with the people that I can be my self and with whom I can speak freely..we had so much to tell eachother only after two months, and we kept on laughing and making fun of eachother without taking the nasty jokes seriously because that’s how friends are..when you make fun of them, they make fun of you even worse.
I missed laughing so hard, I missed having o bounch of people around me and acting like we are a huge familly even though we know eachother for less than a year. I missed playing the evil caracter and the childish one, I missed having “mom” on my head all day”
Thank you guys for being there!!
I am unable to respond on people’s feelings..I know that very well for a long time..you may call me even schizophrenic at some point..
I am unable to say a good word when one needs it..I do not know how to encourage or to ask what is wrong when I see somenone blue..I do not wnat to know that made him so sad and I am afraid that he may wait something from me..I do not know how to be there for someone when it comes to tears..I simply do not know..
I am unable to apologize..even when I know I am wrong. I am unable to forgive also..I have a big ego..I am stubborn and vainglorious..
I am unable of crying when I am really sad or depressed..
I am unable of following my dreams..
I am unable of loving.