I was thinking about old friendship relations today. One of my best friends, D. came home and we had a coffe this morning. I think I spoke about this a while ago. We used to be three. unbreakable, unstoppable..but we broke apart. At first D. and A. remained friends. I was a little left outside. This coming from A… it was ok. But after a while me and D. rebounded. I know they had some fights but me and D. never spoke about this..until today.
I dared to ask him if he still keeps in touch with A. and he said that he does not. She stopped talking to him even when he tried to find a way to fix the problem, if there was a problem. The reason why A. departed with D.? She said that they do not have common friend anymore. And I thought..that must have hurt..a lot. Me and D. do not have common friend anymore, we are not studying to the same university, we do not live in the same city..or country..but he is my friend, we meet every time he comes back to country, we talk as often as possible..and we keep on being as natural as possible..
Not having common friends sould not be a reason to push a..friend..apart. You do not go out with someone because you can bring some more along..you connect with him for who he is, for what you have, because HE is the one you want to talk to. I can’t imagine myself giving up on D. .Not because he is my GBF (LOL) but because he is D., that guy who would start singing and dancing in the middle of the street or in the cafeteria when his favorite song starts playing at the radio, because he tells me things about himself taht are not easy to tell, because we always had so much in common, and we could always talk for hours about movies, music, books..genius books!
I gave up on A. because she gave up on me, because she underestimated me, because I could never trust her again. She said thing that shouldn’t be said..to me and to D. I decided not to give up on people that are the same as D., I decided to fight for dem and to keep them close even when the tend to go further. I hope never to go through the story that I went with A.
I simpley can’t seem to find my way..I run, and I run, and I run and I am so scared to be left alone that I might reach my hand and grab yours again..by force if it is necessary. I hate lonleyness, the quite is so loud when I am left alone..I can hear those thoughts of mine that I don’t want to hear, those thoughts that speak the hateful truth..it is terryfing to realize that every single one of them is leaving..and to know that this is just the way things are..
Because they are really leaving..I can see them getting further away every day and I can’t do one thing to stop them..I am the one making them leave..just like you, I make everyone leave..you made me leave. But I NEED to return because you are my salvation..I just don’t know where to go anymore..you could see through me, you could read me just by voice, you made me strong and brave and I knew that no matter what I could always be true to you.
You would grab my hand and make me stand again if I fall, wouldn’t you?
She took one step, two steps..three steps. It was barely raining and she felt broken. She knew that for them it did not mean much if she was there or not, not anymore. She forced herself to smile but for the first time in her life she couldn’t fake it anymore.
She entered that door with a heavy heart..why did she even bothered to come? She was unable even to say hello..they used to be the reason for her to smile, to remember that she is never alone, but lately something changed..she was left behind, she felt replaced and forgoten.
Time is moving so fast, seems not to enough for her to share it for everything that her life demands. i guess it became tiredsome for them to always wait for her, always to try to reach her just because she is not there. It became tiredsome to always be rejected, or put on stand-by..she never has enough time, enough energy..
She hates what she has become, she hates the person she transformed into. If she was her friends neither her would want to hang out with her..
So..I am sorry for parting away..
I have lost myself a long time ago. I can’t even remember when was the last time that I felt so full of energy and so happy that I could think that I am able to move mountains.
I have no more energy to fight for anything in my life. I have lost my will, my hope, I have lost friends and days dreaming that some may comeback ..I have lost my smile and most of the times my inspiration along with all the others things. I have lost so many things that I wander what I have left..almost nothing.
I could go back..walk that road again searching my tresures but I don’t have the courage to live that again. So I will keep on going ahead even though I don’t know where I am at this moment. MY WAY is lost for a long time, but who knows..I might find something worth smiling at. I might find someone who will reachi his hand t take me out of this gutter where I am stuck. I am longing for that sky above me for so long..
I guess I need to be saved..here I am my hero!
“The past beats inside me like a second heart.”
I have lost all that I am. You have made me someone who can’t let herself loved, someone who can’t feel anything else then pain. You have taken everything from me..all my soul..all my power..my joy. I am like a walking dead with a large fake smile tatooed on his face. Why don’t you let go of my still beating heart? I want it back! I ‘ve already understood that that it is imposible for you to love me so why not end this here?
I thought that I can start it all over again, that I can simply move on. I have tried with all my might to unchain myself and I thought that I made it..I was so wrong..I am unable to love! I have became such a good lier..I am such a damn good actress that I could play next to the greatest actors. Proud of me? I hope so ’cause it is all your doing. I have just became YOU. I hurt others pretending to feel something that I don’t , I am heartless and I lack the power to admit that I am subdued to you.
I decided to stop running. I got really tired and I want to find a place to rest, a place where I will be loved and never spoiled. I never thought that it will take me so long to understand that you are not coming back anymore and I never thought that finding someone to take your place will happen in such an instant.
I don’t hate you and I don’t love you anymore. You are just somebodt who used to bring me happiness at some point, someone with whom I’ve made nice memoirs. I never intended to run after you my entire life but I just hoped that at some point we will be what we used to be. It is not possible.
Maybe I will call you these days, who knows. Maybe I will see you on the street and be able to say “hello” normaly. Sorry for being such a nuisance.
it is so easy to fall in love when you are running..when you want to forget. every single word from another person seems to make your heart flutter, every touch seems to mean something more, or at least that is what you wish. you just want to cure that crack in your heart that anything will do..
you develope a dependency on flirting and smiling and joking with every single one, and you make a drug out of being in the center of the Univers. you want all of them to fall for you and you..to be the one who break their hearts. and all that just because he broke yours.
each of your actions are for him to see, not for you heart to heal. because there is no way for you to want to forget..you are addicted to sadness.