I got to the point where my mind keeps screaming and shouting from the bottom of it’s langs…”Where were you? Where were you when I most needed you to have my back?” I was always there for you when you needed and at that time I got used to have you as my support in the hardest moments. But now, when my world got really shaken you were not there to help me keep my balance.
I fell in my knees, I got hurt, but I wiped my tears while looking back to see if you are coming..and you were not there. Somehow I will move forward because I have to. I just miss that friend of mine who used to be way to sincere, who would have told me when I was wrond, that one who would not be afraid to correct me when I was wrong or to throu at me some harsh words just to make me open my eyes. I miss talking to you for hours, days..weeks about everything and nothing.
It’s hard not to have that one person at one call away when you just feel lonely and need to hear a voice at the other side of the line. That one voice that would make your heart trumble and also find it’s peace..
So..Where were you?
I fell in love..
I’ve hated reading theater ever since I know myself. There was no actual action, no description, no feeling. I could not integrate the characters into the scenes and I could not give them faces. I have no trouble reading and creating a movie in my head out of written word..but theater was never my thing..until a while ago
I had the chanse to go to some plays that the students from the last year on acting from the National University of Arts and Theater had to preapare for their last exam. I have to say that I loved them..each one of them..I fell in love with their talent and dedication. I could read their love for what they are doing on their faces and that love made me love them.
I don’t think that talent is something you learn..it’s something you are born with. The only theing you have to do is to give it a shape, and the to try and reach the best of it. Actors, the great ones, with carisma, and dedication, and with that beautiful hearts and minds, are the ones that make me want to do something more for this worls. They inspire me and motivate me. They make me beleve that there are still people who live for beauty and for the hapiness of the others.
My mind has o block of inspiration. I mean..I know what I have to write and I want so much to write that all over in my head are voieces, and people and faces and feelings..my feelings and teir feelings. It drives me crazy..but the moment I put my fingers on the keys..I stop..nothing comes out right. She is not enough bohemian, he is too boring..her lips are not the right red, his tie is not the right color..it’s all a mess..i write the same part again and again and each time it looks worse..
No book was written over night, I guess, uless that one writer had some magical drug and you all know that movie..There are times when I think that I would do anything for a crazy moment of inspiration and freedom of expresion..moments when I would “sell my soul to the devil” for an idea that would take me high enough..but who knows what high enough actually means?
It’s frustrating when your mind is so feeld with sh*ts and you can’t do a thing. All the tension, all the stress fetter me from my work. I am so scared and so angry with me that I can’t even allow my feelings to be separated from my characters’ feelings.
I need that magic pill after all…
I woke up more dead then alive. My whole body is in pain..I can’t breathe, I can’t move.. I just want to sleep and forget, I want to erase my memory just like that. somethimes it is way too hard to walk these streets without seeing you at every step.
It feels like I am out of drugs, that may need for you is bigger then anything. You have cursed me with this pain that is killing me right now..
I am a wreak..I just want so lie in my bad and sleep..funny, ‘cuz even drems tell me that there is something in my past that needs to be trown away. My dreams are so strange anf full of real signification thet it scares me..you’ve made me so empty and lonely.
we love until we bleed…and then we fall apart….
I can’t make you a disposable part of my like, a disposable memory. I can’t hate you..
I love talented people. I love to see how the new generation (my generation) manages to express through art in a new and touching way.
I am one of those people who would stop breathing when a beautiful piece of art stays in front of me. I one of those who envies the ones who can touch your soul in such a splendis way. I do not consider myself able to ever do such a thing because I am not brave enough and overrated daring to step up.
Today is about music. I once was at open-entrance concert of some fabulous guys. They gave a new rythm to the classic music, and made it apreciated by those who do not know to apreciate beautiful things. they were full of positive energy and their love for what they do could be seen on their faces and heard in their tones.
I will let you listen to them and judge. But I love them, just so you know.
I love rainy mornings. I love the sound of the drops hitting my window and the wind blowing with anger through the green leaves. I just love to sit in the darkness of my room, with the curtains on the window and listen the nature unleashing. It gives a feeling of safetiness mixed with a sweet lonleyness.
This kind of mornings make me forget. I just wake up with that dull sound in my ears and I keep my eyes closed as long as possible. I wrap myself in the warm blanket and enjoy the emptiness of my mind. It is amazingly soothing to wake up and not feel the pain, not see that face and hear that voice in your mind that hurt you so long ago. The rain just heal yhe woonds and washes your grief.
Rainy mornings have the smell of a fresh start, give you the power to dream of something better, of another start just when you seem to be chained in the past.
I was thinking about old friendship relations today. One of my best friends, D. came home and we had a coffe this morning. I think I spoke about this a while ago. We used to be three. unbreakable, unstoppable..but we broke apart. At first D. and A. remained friends. I was a little left outside. This coming from A… it was ok. But after a while me and D. rebounded. I know they had some fights but me and D. never spoke about this..until today.
I dared to ask him if he still keeps in touch with A. and he said that he does not. She stopped talking to him even when he tried to find a way to fix the problem, if there was a problem. The reason why A. departed with D.? She said that they do not have common friend anymore. And I thought..that must have hurt..a lot. Me and D. do not have common friend anymore, we are not studying to the same university, we do not live in the same city..or country..but he is my friend, we meet every time he comes back to country, we talk as often as possible..and we keep on being as natural as possible..
Not having common friends sould not be a reason to push a..friend..apart. You do not go out with someone because you can bring some more along..you connect with him for who he is, for what you have, because HE is the one you want to talk to. I can’t imagine myself giving up on D. .Not because he is my GBF (LOL) but because he is D., that guy who would start singing and dancing in the middle of the street or in the cafeteria when his favorite song starts playing at the radio, because he tells me things about himself taht are not easy to tell, because we always had so much in common, and we could always talk for hours about movies, music, books..genius books!
I gave up on A. because she gave up on me, because she underestimated me, because I could never trust her again. She said thing that shouldn’t be said..to me and to D. I decided not to give up on people that are the same as D., I decided to fight for dem and to keep them close even when the tend to go further. I hope never to go through the story that I went with A.